I was inspired by one of my clients to read Give and Take by Adam Grant. They’d read it in their company book club last year and said everyone found it really insightful — which made me curious.

The notion of ‘give and take’ is something we’re all aware of. But I don’t think we spend enough time thinking more deeply about it. Because it sits at the centre of so much in our personal and professional lives; our values, our boundaries, our standards, our relationships, our careers, our identity and our ego. It’s truly a lens through which we view the world — and the relationships with the people we share it with.

I’m a giver. Most the time it feels aligned and creates the world I want to live in. But sometimes I experience an inner conflict when I worry whether I gave too much — at the cost of my own priorities, time and energy. I usually recognise this tipping point into 'too much' when I realise I've developed an expectation of reciprocation because I’ve given so much. And that’s a bad place to land — giving with expectation.

Perhaps you can relate to moments where, in hindsight, you've felt taken advantage of. Where gratitude wasn’t quite there. Where you'd wished you'd set boundaries sooner — before the taking resembled an unravelling ball of string. When you realise you're still learning your boundaries and read of people. When giving tips into feeling used.

If so - this is an insightful read.

Is it good to be a giver?
Should we be more of a taker?
Or is it really about being a matcher?

One of the most interesting findings in the research is that being a giver is both the best and worst strategy for your success.

Givers tend to end up either at the very top — or the very bottom. So what is the deciding factor? 

The successful giver is the one who also asks for help.

But let me be clear — this isn’t about reciprocation. Giving whilst expecting something in return is matching. That’s transactional. I do something for you, you do something for me, and we move on. And it’s often manipulation in giver’s clothing.

Giving and asking for help is different.

It’s being comfortable with the fact that your giving may not be reciprocated by the same person, nor at the same time — but trusting that by being a giver, when you genuinely need support in the future, you’re likely to receive it because you’ve built the good karma and social capital — and people like to see givers succeed. The key is actually asking. And understanding that the help may come from somewhere entirely different.

Takers, on the other hand, often get what they want in the short term. But over time it’s unsustainable. Relationships erode. Reputations suffer. And interestingly, research shows that people want takers to fail. If anyone is plotting revenge and takedowns — it’s against the takers. When people feel taken advantage of by a taker, they respond with reputational damage — gossip.

So if you’re a (contemplative) giver like me, here are a few things I’m taking away from this great read:

• Give generously, but be mindful of your boundaries and the cost to you — you can still be a giver without giving like an endless ball of string

• Maybe five minutes of your time is a default yes. More than that might require a “let me think about it”

• Consider your time, energy and priorities before committing — a yes to someone else is likely a no to yourself somehow — is that okay right now?

• Reflect on how someone entered your life — did they arrive needing immediate help?

• If they disappear after getting what they need, will you genuinely be okay with that?

• Ask for help when you need it — this is the difference between a successful and unsuccessful giver

• Re-activate dormant relationships — if you’re a giver, chances are people will welcome you back and you’ve built strong social capital

• Put your own oxygen mask on first — if giving will be a drain of the essential resources available to you, (time, energy, mental capacity) this should be a red flag to carefully reconsider

• Make “let me get back to you” your new default instead of an automatic yes 

• Givers are also more likely to be creative and innovative — because their mindset is geared towards helping, not protecting ego. So embrace that. 

You really can create the world you want to live in by being a giver. And sometimes that’s enough.

If you’re a matcher, try giving without expectation and see how it feels. Trust that good karma and social capital will reward you in the future. Expand your network by thinking about who you could help — not who could help you in return. 

If you’re a taker — try to give before you receive. Focus on building relationship. Think long term.

Heart decisions often win over head decisions when people choose who they want around them — it’s usually the givers. Don’t wait to be successful before you give — give whilst becoming successful and future proof your success. 

It’s highly recommended reading — full of compelling stories, research insights, and practical tools for navigating a world of givers, takers and matchers.

I hope you tuck in!

Jacqui x